Profoundly Shallow | December 29, 2004

So, complaining.

I keep trying to think of things to become upset about, you know, to feel young, to arouse some emotion. But it’s getting pretty tough to do that. When one opens up the newspaper and reads “Death Tolls in Asia reach 60,000, more expected to die from disease,” everything becomes so small, so insignificant. Put simply, tragic events like these really tear me apart inside. Then with guilty tears rolling down my cheeks, I struggle to tell myself what I should really be feeling.

It’s complex. You read the story about the woman who lost her five children and her husband when the tsunami hit. She lost her 8 month year old baby when the water pulled them apart. She can’t find any of them except for her 3 year old son, whom she found dead in the street.

Those are cruel words to read, and intense thoughts come with them.

Earth, for most of its inhabitants, is not that great. And as an American-human what am I supposed to feel?

Guilt comes to mind first. Guilt for complaining about oh-so-evil traffic that one day, guilt for becoming depressed over that wonderful ex-girlfriend, guilt for not cherishing every moment that I’m alive. Guilt for being able to write these thoughts on livejournal, in my warm townhome, on this leather couch, with this $1500 laptop, with the use of all four of my limbs, breathing clean air, with two wonderful parents still giving me increasingly wise bits of wisdom.

Am I supposed to feel blessed? Am I supposed to donate my money? Who needs it the most? Sudan? Iraq? Asians? Homeless? Orphans? Who deserves the money that I earned in a non-back breaking way? I think I’m convincing myself that I am too young to understand this at this point in time.

It’s difficult to be complacent when you realize how much much much better off you are than the next guy. We’re supposed to be ashamed that we have what we have, but be glad that it’s not us. Far from a beautiful life, no?

Is it time to continue to angst, to mind-wrestle this until I’m sick? Or do I forget about this and watch DVDs until I fall asleep?

Posted in College

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